For the Doms: The Importance of Consent in BDSM
The basic concept of consent is simple, and most men think they understand it, but as a Dom chances are you may not be taking it far enough.
Somewhat shockingly, basic consent is still a topic which needs to be brought up, talked about, and taught. Go to any club in any part of America and you will find someone being touched in a way they didn’t invite or want.
The basic concept of consent is really dead-simple: before you do anything physical (or even intimately emotional) with another person, they need to understand your intentions fully, and agree it’s something they want from you at that time.
The Dating Kiss Paradox
The idea starts to get a little fuzzy in the dating world, especially the vanilla dating world. If you are on a great date with a girl who is sitting there waiting desperately for you to kiss her, chances are she doesn’t want you to ask her before you do.
This is about the only type of scenario where the ideas of consent blur slightly. It’s still never acceptable to attempt to do something unwanted to another person, but it’s rare times like this where it’s your job to get a reasonable expectation of that consent before attempting to act. In the pickup world this is talking about IOI’s, indicators of interest. And still, you don’t bulldog your way into forcing a kiss. Move in with clear intent, and wait for them to commit to the act. You move 3/4 of the way and wait for them to move the final 1/4.
Most men confident enough to consider themselves dominant understand this, and are adept at understanding the situations, acting appropriately. The problem comes when we move into the BDSM world.
Implied Consent
There is absolutely such a thing as implied consent. For example, many people in relationships feel no need to consider asking their partner for permission to touch or kiss them at their discretion. This comes from many discussions and interactions where this ongoing implied consent has been explicitly given.
The misunderstanding comes from assuming previous consent to be implied consent. Assuming the consent given yesterday is applicable today with a casual partner is a mistake, and can effectively cripple your ability to be a great dom.
The Thrill of Choosing
While the details of your kinks and relationships will all differ, the one constant across all Dominant/submissive relationships is the power-exchange. For the submissive the biggest thrill, and the most important moment of all is making the choice to give away her control, hand you the power over her.
If you want to be a great Dom, your primary focus should always be on giving your subs the absolute best experience you can give them, every single time they choose to kneel for you. A massive part of this experience is affording them the ability to make that choice, to choose to be yours.
This means you have to lose the ego, and presumption. It means you need to understand that, even though she had a great time playing with you last night, perhaps tonight she wants something different. You need to be confident enough to make her choose.
The BDSM world is full of paradoxes, this one being at the forefront. Asking the sub to choose to submit, rather than taking it at your discretion will actually improve your perception as a confident Dom. More importantly, it will give others a clear signal that you’re a good man who will make the well-being and respect for their sub a priority in your play.
If you want subs to choose to play with you, you need to present yourself as a man worthy of their trust.
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How to Be a Dom: The Honest Approach:
To be a great Dom and have a strong, healthy, relationship it’s imperative to make honesty the focal point of every interaction you have.
The most common reason most relationships, vanilla and kink alike, fail is a lack of honesty. Just about every single movie or TV show with relationship drama could have been completely avoided if the couple had just been honest from outset. Unfortunately it seems the “only as honest as I need to be” mentality is seen as the standard.
If you want to be a great Dom, you need to make honesty your number one priority.
Honesty is Hard
Honesty is hard and sometimes terrifying. It’s always easier to choose not to tell a partner something you know will upset them. What they don’t know can’t hurt ‘em, right?
This choice runs the risk of turning a small issue into a large one. It risks you losing trust, and can end relationships. No matter how crafty you think you are, the truth has a way of coming out.
It takes bravery to be truly honest. It takes confidence. As a man, especially as a Dom, it is your job have the balls to step up.
For the Vanillas and the Freaks Alike
While honesty and communication is crucial for all relationships, it’s much easier to avoid it in the vanilla world. The risk seems smaller, and the possibility of getting away withholding seems greater. Despite this, if you’re in a vanilla relationship don’t think you’re exempt.
For those in the BDSM world, honesty and communication are absolutely crucial. It is impossible to play around with a D/s power dynamic, or explore any kink adequately without it. If you are not capable of telling someone you love, or desire, something they should hear, even though it may ruin your chances with them, then you are not qualified to call yourself a Dom.
If you can’t push honesty to its absolute limits you have no place playing around in this world. You will never be great, and you will risk leaving a trail of wrecked, angry, broken subs in your wake.
Honesty is More than Words
It took me far longer to learn this lesson than I would like to admit. It doesn’t matter if you repeatedly tell a sub something, if your actions contradict your words. That is not honesty, it’s barely halfway there.
The most common time people in the BDSM world run into this issue is when it comes to being polyamorous. The man will tell a new crush explicitly that they are poly, and that they see other girls. Despite having reservations about this, most likely because she’s new to the dynamic, she agrees to give it a chance.
Despite having been honest in their words, the Dom will go on to see this girl exclusively, never talk about other girls, other dates, or anything of the sort. He has told her he is poly, but has acted entirely monogamously, not wanting to upset her, make her jealous, or whatever other fears he has.
Once the time comes when the Dom finally does go out with another girl, or brings it up, serious problems arise. The sub has issues with it, is jealous, is insecure. Despite having been “clear” when you met, the initial stages of the relationship were based on her not experiencing the poly dynamic at all. She made a choice to commit to you, based on the experience you gave her. Changing it entirely on her, on the grounds of “well I said it” isn’t an honest approach.
On the plus side, you will be shocked to find far more often than not the honest approach has the results you hoped for. Telling them what you think they want to hear is always a mistake, always.
Integrating Honesty with Dominance
Most good Doms will tell you they are very honest with their subs. And while I’m not saying they’re mistaken, I don’t believe most of them take it far enough. If your goal is just to be a good Dom, then you need to re-evaluate your choices in life. If you’re going to choose to commit to something your goal should be to be great. To be the best possible version of yourself you can possibly be.
In order to have a good scene, a Dom needs to be pushing the limits of their subs. This doesn’t mean they need to be doing anything extreme, or even doing anything they haven’t already done before. It’s about pushing her to the point of full emotional experience. Being put into a state where she is experiencing every moment fully, without her mind being splintered in many different directions.
Some call this subspace, some call it zen, some call it the zone.
In order to do this a Dom must be paying attention to the current emotional and physical state of their sub. You need to be reading her body language without hesitation or misunderstanding. To do this properly, you need to be able to fully trust the verbal and physical feedback you are getting is entirely accurate. If you’re not operating in a place of pure honesty, this is simply not possible.
Accomplishing this takes more than agreeing to be honest. You need to set the tone and dynamic of your relationship to be built on the idea of honest interactions.
To give you an idea of what I mean when I say many good Dom’s believe they are being honest, but aren’t taking it far enough:
A common rule Doms will give their sub is to always address them as Sir, Master, Daddy, or something of the like. This is a mistake.
Having a woman address you as Sir is a sign of respect. A sign of submission and of a power dynamic hierarchy. You should only ever want to hear this when you deserve their respect. If they do not feel in that moment you deserve to be placed above them, it would be a lie for them to say the words.
On top of this, you want to afford your sub the freedom to choose to break your rules. They will be punished as a result, but that is always their choice to make. But you need to know if they are breaking your rule out of rebellion, or out of lack of respect for your authority. This is one reason you should be very careful when making rules.
Use Honesty as a Weapon
Honesty doesn’t have to be all hard work. It’s the best weapon for any man, but especially those who aren’t extremely confident being vocal while in a scene. Many men are quiet during sex, or don’t know what to say, causing them to resort to repeating lines from the past, or sounding like an actor in some porno from the early 90’s.
Instead of stressing about what to say, just lean on honesty. When you have the notion to say something, but aren’t sure what, stop thinking and say the absolute most honest thing you can possibly think of in that moment.
Instead of saying “yeah baby, suck it”, you’ll have more effect blurting out your most honest thoughts “you look so unbelievably sexy right now on your knees. I can’t wait to watch you gag on my dick.”
You’re typically having to ignore these thoughts to try and think of something to say. Instead just say what’s on your mind “ohh my god I can’t believe you’re here in my bed. I have jerked off thinking about this moment for months.”
Honesty is hot. And when your words come from a place of honesty, they will be heard and accepted. No girl has ever been impressed by hearing a man tell her she looks hot. But she will find herself smiling about that guy who told her he had to come over to tell her she’s the prettiest thing he has seen all day.
One Last Pro Tip
In my article Words Matter, Speak with Purpose, I talked about the power of words, and the importance of choosing the best words for the situation. This may seem to be at odds with the honesty approach, but they actually join together beautifully.
A good Dom is always prepared. Part of this preparation can be planning wordings for future use. Here’s how it works:
You know of a scenario that will be happening to you in the near future.
You know from experience how you will likely be feeling in that moment.
You can plan a powerful grouping of words fitting that feeling you anticipate.
When the moment comes, and you feel as you had anticipated, you can deliver your planned wording with full honesty in the moment.
The catch is your planning will go entirely to waste if you don’t encounter the situation, or feel differently than you had anticipated when it comes. Don’t worry about it, just abandon the plan and default back to honesty instead.
If you make it a point to make your interactions with your subs, and potential new subs, you will see a marked improvement in the quality of your relationships and your skills as a Dom.
It’s scary, but it’s easier than you think, and it will benefit every single person, regardless of circumstance.
